Tag Archives: Schoonselhof

Father – thoughts, June 25th, 2013

I don’t watch television that much and the only reason why I still have one is because of Little A. Disney Channel, Nickelodeon and the works.

A few years ago though I followed a few series like “Castle”, “Lie to me”, “The Mentalist” but my absolute favorite was “NCIS”. I loved the stories and the interaction and dialogues between the main characters were fun to watch and in some way I could even relate to some of them.

Yesterday morning I was keeping Litte A. company and we were sitting in the sofa watching the bloody television.
Then she had to leave as she had an appointment with a girlfriend and left me sitting in front of the telly alone. I took the remote control to switch of this hideous thing off when I noticed an episode of NCIS was due next.

‘Ah, why not?’ I thought and I could afford spending the 50 minutes or so.
I sat back and enjoyed this episode where one of the main characters is confronted with his estranged father, a role played with verve by Robert Wagner. 

Of course they find each other at the end and, when their ways separate again, they say goodbye and after a brief hesitation the father says to his son “I love you.
It hit me like a sledgehammer and suddenly my eyes filled with tears and I cried and for the bigger part of the day I felt rather gloomy. 

My father passed away in 1972 at the beginning of June, just before my school exams. Hell, I was thirteen.

And now, even 41 years later, it touches me when I am reminded of my loss (and that of my mom of course, and my sister) and apparently I am still very emotional about it. This does not mean I go weeping around every time I hear the word father but there are moments I am much more vulnerable.
Some of Princess’ kids still have an issue with our relation although things are slowly changing for the better. I now am allowed to enter the house to pick up Princess but staying for dinner or even drinks is still impossible. 
I still have to see her daughters leaving the room when I enter. Or refusing to say “hello”.

The Boy, 16, has the most issues with me. The few times we met unfortunately ended in verbal attacks. He has a very hard time cooping in a rational way with our relation, letting his emotions taking over every time.
Sometimes I find it hard not to interpret their rejection as a personal disallowance and I forget they lost their father not even 3 years ago.

The emotional moments I experienced yesterday helps me understand that grieve is something that fades away over time but remains very near to the surface of ones memories. I know I have to give Princess’s kids time to adjust.
But sometimes I tend to forget this and I lose myself in lack of understanding and then Princess takes the heat.
Sometimes I am a goddamned idiot.