Tag Archives: kids

What a day!

Yesterday Princess texted me telling me she would arrive at my place at 19:00 and was looking forward being with me and badly wanted to play.

Princess took me a little by surprise, as I had not imagined her arriving so early. I had clothes drying in the laundry parlor and hadn’t eaten yet.

We fetched my clothes and then I took her to an Egyptian restaurant not far from where I live and outside, at the terrace, we enjoyed some delicious Shoarma.

Back home I took Princess to the bathroom to wash her when her cellular beeped.
A message from Stella telling she was feeling terrible and suffering intense abdominal cramps and if Princess could bring something that could take away the pain.
Stella spend a prolonged weekend with Star in her apartment, trying if she could coop without help, and I would take her to ‘4’, the mother/care unit on Wednesday morning.

We drove to Star, 10′ from where I live and gave her some Buscopan, stayed with her for a while, I heating a towel with hot water to put on her belly.
It is very difficult to know exactly how Stella feels because of her tendency for psychosis she often amplifies what she experiences. Princess had some cramps too so we thought it was only bad digestion.

Stella was getting tired so we left and at home I washed Princess and played with her for a short time but it was very intense and my love climaxed multiple times while lying bondaged on the floor and had a few more orgasms in bed before we fell asleep.

It must have been 2 am or so when Princess’s iPhone came to life.
It was Stella calling.
She couldn’t sleep, she was feeling very bad, the pain in her abdomen unsupportable and she couldn’t stop vomiting asking Princess to drive her to “4”.

Princess reasoned with her and they ended the conversation with a “we’ll see tomorrow morning” while I was drifting away in my sleep.

Seconds later my smart phone rang.
Stella again, pleading to take her and Star to the mother/care unit and I felt bad and helpless and Princess then took the call and told her we couldn’t and we would see in the morning.

At 06:00 Stella texted me asking to call her as her prepaid card was empty.

She was weeping and the pain horrendous and Princess, still half asleep gave me the phone number of their family doctor and I repeated it to Stella so she could call him.

We fell back asleep, Princess and I but not for long though.
Stella called her mother 20′ later asking to bring her a.s.a.p. to the nearest hospital. The family physician had diagnosed appendicitis.

Wednesday is my free day and Princess had to go to her work; not going is not an option.

I got out of bed and dressed and drove to Stella’s place and picked them both up, ignoring Stella’s pleas for an ambulance and staying calm and enduring while Stella went into overdrive.

Some 20′ later we arrived at the ER and I comforted Stella and then made a bottle of milk for Star, asked where I could find a microwave oven, fed her and made her say “blurps” and the baby girl vomited on me and I smiled because it was like having a little family over again. I felt so alive, so filled with love, just wanting to care for these two wonderful persons like I do for Princess.

Finally the diagnosis was confirmed and I phoned Princess and she was able to get free from work.

When she arrived I felt my emotions surface but I think I was able to mask it. I know I do very well in a stress situation like this but when I’m discharged or the incident is dealt with I get very emotional.

Princess and I filled in the necessary documents and then divided tasks.
I had to be back home because I had an appointment with my garage in the afternoon and Star could not stay at the hospital
So I drove home with Star to Stella’s home and when I arrived I put Star in her little bed, she was exhausted and thus very difficult.
Did some dishwashing and waited for Bo (20) and her little sister Kay, two of Princess’s daughters to arrive. It was raining and it is so silly, I know, but both girls preferred coming by bicycle rather than me picking them up at Princesses place. Even if Bo does not know me and she has no desire to change this, she and Ar (19) and The Boy (16) don’t like me although this is slowly changing.

So I quickly explained the situation not wanting to stay long so Bo wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with me in her sister’s apartment.
Bo thanked me twice for taking care of Star though.

I wrote my cellphone number down for Bo and left and went back home.


A day at the beach

Yesterday, August 3rd, was one of these days I will never forget. Each moment, each second is etched forever in my memories.

Yes, it was such a day, filled with laughter, joy and fun, happiness and togetherness.

Princess and I left early in the morning after a short night, we came home from the Fetish Cafe at 03:00 and we had to get up at 08:30. Oh boy what a great and fun experience we had. Can’t write about it at the moment as I am still processing these intensive moments and the new possibilities that now lay in front of us.

We picked up Stella and Star at ‘4’, the mother/baby care-unit and took them to Vlissingen, in The Netherlands at the North Sea coast, only an hour’s drive.

Star is 7 months now and a joyful baby girl and Stella is doing extremely well, ready to leave to care unit after 8 months, starting a new life on her own with her daughter.

The weather was great, sunny and warm with a light and refreshing breeze.

We made pictures of ourselves at the beach and even a photograph of the 4 of us, a first for me. Sure, there are photos of Princess and I and Star, or Star and me, but this was a whole new experience when Stella asked me to make one of us all.

Lying on a beach towel we enjoyed the sun, Stella cuddled up against her mother’s left side; I at Princess’s her right and Star somewhere in between. It was such a fine and intimate experience.

Here I am, I thought, with Princess and her eldest daughter and that lovely baby and I remembered our first date, nearly 2 years ago, when Princess told me about her kids, disturbed because the loss of their father, having it difficult to accept their mother with a new man, let alone having him in their house.
It was about Stella, unfortunately even more troubled, with, amongst other things, issues trusting people, that Princess told me the most.
Stella who unfortunately will need professional help in some way or another for the rest of her life.
I then assumed she would be the most difficult to get acquainted with.
Boy was I wrong.

I was sitting at the beach with Princess and Stella and Star. Stella trusts me and it was a process that steadily grew since that horrendous evening a year ago.
Princess had phoned me that evening asking me to come with her to get Stella who had been victim of domestic violence. Princess didn’t like to go alone, as she wasn’t sure the guy was still around.
I entered the house in a small alley. The night had fallen, no streetlights and the house dark and it was so damned quiet, no sound at all.

We found Stella in the bathroom, crawled away in a corner, desperately crying, bruises on her face, the fucker had even hit her belly while she was already pregnant.
So we found Stella and it was the second time we met, the first time very brief, an awkward moment, months before, when she accompanied Princess and we ran into each other on the street.

I insisted she would press charges, drove them to the police station and for the rest of that night I kept a very low profile, just being there for Princess and her daughter, ready when they would need me.
Saw Stella the day after because Princess wanted me to make photographs of the bruises.

It took several months before I saw Stella again when I offered Princess to make the birth announcement cards. Stella came to my place and we worked on the cards.
I held Star in my arms the day after she was born, before some of her sisters or brother had the chance.

The relation grew and grew, trust was gained. Stella accepted me as her mothers partner and accepted me too as, well, I don’t want to give it a name, that is not important.

Yesterday, when we dropped Stella and Star at the mother/baby care unit and when we said goodbye Stella hugged me as she had never done before and it touched me so very deep. It made me smile, it warmed my heart, it made me so happy.

So here I am, I thought.

After two years Princess’s house still only accessible when I fetch Princess or Stella and Star. No sitting down on the sofa, Princess not able to invite me for dinner nor is it possible to enjoy an evening and a few drinks in her garden.
The Boy and Ar and Bo now tolerate my presence if it is only a very short visit. They don’t talk to me but answer most of the time when I talk to them.
Princess and I have still a long way to go before even starting to imagine a night at her place.

They see their mother not that often nowadays as Princess spends about three of four nights a week at my place.

We have the incredible luxury to spend that time together alone without kids.
Well, except for Little A. of course when she is staying a weekend with me but she does not mind as she simply adores Princess.

A day at the beach


I have a very difficult relationship with Big A. (19).
Is it because her mother and me separated when Big A.  was 12? There is no way to know.
I really love my firstborn with all my heart and I would do anything for her. As I would for Little A. (13) with whom I have a completely different and very close bond.

Well I don’t see Big A. that much anymore. Boyfriends, school, student jobs and, let’s cut the crap, she does not like being at my place because she thinks it is not clean and tidy and books and things lying around the apartment disturb her.

The other day she wanted to spend some time with me and we went for a walk in our main shopping street.
“Has been a long time Pops,” she said.
I nodded.
“So what’s up?” She sounded really interested so I told her how Princess and I are spending more and more time together and gave her an update about Stella and Star and then I knew I was in trouble.

Big A. once again chastised me about a photograph of Princess and I with Star in my knee pinned against a wall in my bedroom between photographs of my daughters and drawings and notes the wrote me.
She can’t understand that I have caring feelings for “that baby” as she and her mother Stella, Princess’ eldest daughter, are not and will not ever be family. Let alone that I care for Stella too.
I think Big A. feels threatened by and jealous of Stella and Star and I knew this was going to end in a dispute so I quickly changed subjects and showed an image of my chest of drawers I had bought the day before. It turned out not to be a smart move.
“Nice,” Big A. said, “but why didn’t you show it to me when I arrived earlier at your place.”
I smiled and told her I didn’t want her to pull out one of the drawers by curious accident. Hell, they contain our toys, rope, clamps, floggers and so on.
Oh boy, I was now walking through a minefield.
“I would not have done that,” Big A. replied dryly.
Once again I smiled replying one never knows, putting my foot on a mine.
It exploded in my face.
“Because I know what you and Princess are up to, playing at,” she answered hardly able to hide her disgust.
I was flabbergasted and after a short moment where I was thinking about my next move, I asked what she meant. Had she seen the riding crops in my bedroom or had she peeked in the black boxes I also keep there?
“I don’t want to talk about it. It is after all your business.”
When life gives you lemons then make lemonade.

“Let’s go to the book store,” I said, “I know you wanted to buy a book, I would love to give it.”
Ten minutes later we excited the bookstore.
“Thank you, Dad,” she said, beaming at me, “I heard so much chatter about this book,  omg, I’m so curious about it.”

Go figure.
Big A. is going to read 50 Shades of Grey.


It is going to jump you

Thoughts – April 29, 2013

The weekend was great because it was Little A’s weekend with me. On Saturday evening I welcomed Princess and we went to our dance lesson, the first session in the advanced group.
We started at the end of January and we are now already confident enough to go dancing outside our lessons and we, Princess and I, enjoy ourselves very much doing so.

When we came back home I made some sandwiches with mozzarella and tomatoes melted the cheese in the oven and added fresh basil. I have some
Just delicious and the Bin 50 2011 Shiraz went very well with it.

After that we asked Little A. if she would mind if we went back to the Cohibar for an hour or so to dance.
It was no problem whatsoever.

When we came back, later than promised, Little A. was still playing The Sims 3.
Princess and I had some more wine and we talked awhile with Little A. and then called it a day and went to bed.

The next morning, Princess had to leave early, I spend some quality time with Little A. and watched some Disney Channel stuff and after that I fixed us dinner. Fried potatoes, chipolata and fresh green beans, cooked and then fried with chopped onions adding a mix of several vinegars just before serving.

In the early evening I drove Little A. back home, after all these years it still hurts saying goodbye and I really do miss her.

Fetched Princess who had visited Stella and Star in the mother/baby unit and she told me how Stella had been intractable, drowning in a pool of fears. Even with the proper medication psychosis surfaces regularly.
I took the love of my life for a walk and then we want back home were we started planning our September holiday.
One whole week, away from home, for Princess something she hasn’t done in decades and thus completely new, not only for her but for her kids too.
We decided not to go to far, just a few hours by car and we combine a wellness weekend in Windhagen, Germany, an Xmas present we got from the family with two nights in Bonn and an extra night in the Eiffel.
And on Friday, September 20, we will be eating in a Sushi restaurant near where we live, reservations will be made for around 19:00. We will probably choose the same as we did 2 years ago, when we dated for the first time.
Sometimes it is fun to have a tradition.
After the planning I took Princess to our bedroom and held her in my arms and made love to her.

Today it is April 29 and at noon I received a text message from Princess with an awesome poem she had written for our blog. And in the late afternoon she picked me up to visit an apartment I had found for Stella.
Stella loved it and the guy from the housing company wrote down her name and address and then asked it they could contact her work.
Momentarily Stella has no work but has a replacement income but for a potential landlord this means nothing of course.

After the visit we drove Stella back to where she is staying and she freaked out and she is so afraid. Terrified that she will never have a place to stay and troubled for the future of Star, her 4-month-old baby.

We spend a few hours reasoning with her but in vain, Stella was unable to see things in their perspective.
I know Princess is used to this but I felt powerless and sad and there is little that I can do to help.

Anyway next Sunday I’ll be picking up Princess and Stella and Star and I take them for a day out.
We are going to Vlissingen, The Netherlands, sea, sun and leisure and I hope Stella will be able to forget her troubles if only for a day.
She must understand that she is not alone. Stella has her brother and her sisters and her mother who really care for her.
And me.


The Advent

Thursday, December 27th.
I got a call from Princess.
“She is finally there,” she whispered.
“O wow,” was the only thing I could say and I felt a deep connection with Princess and her eldest daughter who I’m just getting to know.

Princess told me how she had cut the umbilical cord, the emotions she had experienced assisting her daughters delivery.
The baby was healthy and the mom was doing okay.

After our telephone conversation the first thing I did was enter the baby’s name in my agenda, under “birthdays”.

I was so happy for Princess and her daughter.

Friday, December 28th.
Picked up Princess at her home in the early evening and we drove to the hospital.
It wasn’t only a simple visit but I would make some photographs for the birth announcement card too.

When I watched Princess holding the baby in her arms, Princess’ eyes finding mine, I felt so damned moved. Then she handed this little and helpless being over to me and I almost cried, overwhelmed with emotions. Holding this small creature in my arms, I wished I could go back in time, just a few years. Having a kid with Princess. An impossible dream alas.

It was really an intense evening and the baby was hungry and tired afterwards so it slept all the time and I wasn’t able to make a good portrait.

Princess told me her other daughter, B., had made some pictures in the early afternoon and the baby had its eyes open at that moment.
“Good,” I replied, “maybe we can use these. I would love her images on the birth announcement card. It would be a mutual project.”
B. is one of Princess’ three remaining kids having issues with their mother’s relation.

I drove Princess home and she invited me in, well, just in the hallway.
Everything starts somewhere.

Then she entered the living room and I heard vague voices. Princess asking B., for the photographs she had taken that afternoon.
Then Princess appeared with B.
I had not expected that at all.

“Hi,” I said.
B. patiently showed me the images she had taken.
Fuck, they were really excellent.

“It would be nice to use one of your images,” I said.

To my great astonishment, B. opened her camera, took out the memory card and handed it to me.
It felt awkward taking the card home with me so I asked B. to mail the images.
She nodded yes and went back to the living room.

I was flabbergasted.
What an evening.
Holding her daughters baby, sharing photographs with her other daughter while I was in the hallway.
It felt as an incredible huge step.

We kissed goodbye. It was a long one and very intense.

Then I went home were Little A. was patiently waiting for her father.

Yes, this had been one helluva evening.

Thank you Princess, for sharing these important and magical moments with me.
I love you so much.
Princess and I.

Without words
Without words

It started with a quarrel – Part 1

Last weekend started with a terrible quarrel and I’m the one who started it. Worse, it was by phone so there was no conciliating body language and when I start it keep on going.

Princess and I have our rucksacks and we have both managed to pack our past without too much loose ends.

The few disputes we have are always during a phone call and always about the same topic and always, I’m sorry to say, my fault. Hell, I never said I was perfect.

To use a euphemism, our main loose ends are what other people would describe as kids.
I have two kids and Princess has three times as much and 99% of them are girls and they come in all sorts, aged between 13 and 22.

Princess and I are both divorced but the father of her kids was killed almost two years ago in a terrible car accident. For her kids this is unfinished business, there are so much issues, they have to coop with the divorce, the death of their father. Ingredients for a novel Dostoyevsky could have written with great panache.

I am aware of their grief, their feelings of being lost. Trust me. I lost my dad 40 years ago and although I know that I’m idolizing this man when I look at one of the few photographs I have of him, it still hurts. Deep down I know I have only good recollections of this man, memories covered with the soft golden patina of time in which everything is healed.

So our quarrels are about the kids.

Princess has the keys to my apartment, she has space in my, no, our bathroom cabinet and in the chest of drawers in our bedroom. She sleeps over one night a week at my place, we end the week, on Sunday, together and because I have Little A. only two weekends a month, we enjoy lots of privacy and we do have more quality time as a couple than most people I know.
That’s okay, no?

Yet sometimes something pinches me viciously in the balls and I get mad. Fuck, I have no idea how the interior of her house looks like. I have never slept in her bed; I have never held her in my arms in front of her fireplace nor have I been able to help her gardening or whatever couples do. Never showered at her place.

50% of her kids are against their mother’s relation and the house they live in is their safe haven and they won’t accept me entering this space.
They don’t know who I am, they have seen me briefly, but their home is something in which their father is still present. I must respect this but boy; sometimes this is so hard as I wish to be a full-time partner for Princess.
To keep up the math 98% of the time I understand this, and I am aware we, Princess and I, are privileged as we have complete privacy at my place. I can whip her and nobody will be alarmed by the sound of leather on bare flesh.
No one will be alarmed when she screams ‘please Milord, hurt me more.’

It comes with a price though and I’m very happy to pay.
I’m alone this Xmas evening, as my presence in her family would only create anger and they would not understand and they would not enjoy a real Xmas.

99% of the time I understand this.

Sometimes I get mad.

I’m so sorry Princess when I hurt you. Emotionally that is.
I love you more that I can express in words or body language.
Sometimes I can be a stupid jerk.

Forgive me, Princess, for these few false dissonants in our relationship.