Thoughts – August 1st, 2013

I haven’t been writing much lately.
One reason is lack of inspiration.
I guess my muse is away on holiday or she got fed up with me and left.

The past two weeks Little A. stayed with me and I gave her as much quality time as possible. We did lot’s of stuff together and one evening we took Princess out for dinner to Antwerp and it was just great and fun and the mussels delicious and tasty.

When my daughter is staying at my place Princess and I can’t play the way we are used to either. No spanking, whipping or other stuff that makes noises of makes Princess scream or yell or moan heavily.

I miss the playing though, not only its intensity and the pleasure it brings us both, but also thinking of a scenario, putting it together, adding the music, creating a mood.

Yesterday evening I pulled the sofa in front of my iMac and Princess and I watched “Eyes Wide Shut”. I had talked about this movie extensively in the past and Princess was dying to see it. She loved the erotic atmosphere, the way the scenes were lit and the story itself.

It is mainly about infidelity and  is a topic that makes me not only feel uncomfortable  but lets  old but not forgotten pain surface generating fear it will happen again.

Unfortunately I am a field expert.
I was cheated on during my first long relationship many years ago and I still remember how it hurt. When I found out the first time it felt as if the ground was going to open and swallow me into black darkness where trust and believe and hope do not exist. I felt so damned lost, trust vanished and my self-esteem crumbling. Was it my fault? Was I not enough a man? Was I neglecting her?
It was almost like sitting in a small life-boat riding huge waves not knowing where one is being led to nor having any control over what is happening.
She was unfaithful with one of my best friends.
As it always does it seems.
I forgave her but could not forget and never felt the same trust I did before.
No more than a half-year later she had something with her hairdresser. To get even I cheated on her too but it made me feel even worse. After that I simply left her and it took me a hell of a time to learn and trust a partner again.

Years later, she long forgotten, another good friend of mine, half drunk, confessed he had her too when I was two days in Paris for my work. Yes, I could remember that evening very clear when I tried to phone her from the hotel and the phone ringed and ringed and was not answered. My stomach twitching and contracting near to vomiting. And how she told me the next day she had gone out on a girl’s evening. Yeah the hell you were!

Not long after I left her she hooked up with a father of two who left his wife and sold his house to be with her.

After I divorced the mother of my daughters, it simply didn’t work and there was no cheating involved,  it took me some time before I was ready for a new relationship.

Then I met someone with whom I was together for about 9 months. One evening, a friend and colleague and his wife had just left after enjoying dinner with us, she told me she was going to leave me. She felt that our relationship was more like a brother/sister thing and anyway, she added, she was back with her ex since a few months but she lacked the courage to tell me earlier not wanting to hurt my feelings.
Yeah sure you didn’t.

I guess this is the reason why I don’t have that many friends and that I do not like being part of a group as I still feel, deep in me, the fear to be cheated on again and I know what it does to a man (or a woman) and I don’t want to be there anymore. Never ever.

Fortunately Princess has helped me , with patience and understanding, getting rid of my fears, reassuring me and explaining that bad things don’t always happen over and over.

I want to emphasize I trust Princess completely and unconditionally.
I have never loved as deep as I love Princess.

Cleaning up

4 thoughts on “Thoughts – August 1st, 2013”

  1. Life is so unpredictable and fragile. As we get older, we will keep hearing of people that we know, leaving us. Yes, we will grieve over their passing and that is irreversible. But there are still those we love and are still around us , we should cherish them, so that when one day they leave or we leave before them, we will have no regrets. That’s the only thing we can do for ourselves and for others.

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