I have a very difficult relationship with Big A. (19).
Is it because her mother and me separated when Big A. was 12? There is no way to know.
I really love my firstborn with all my heart and I would do anything for her. As I would for Little A. (13) with whom I have a completely different and very close bond.
Well I don’t see Big A. that much anymore. Boyfriends, school, student jobs and, let’s cut the crap, she does not like being at my place because she thinks it is not clean and tidy and books and things lying around the apartment disturb her.
The other day she wanted to spend some time with me and we went for a walk in our main shopping street.
“Has been a long time Pops,” she said.
“So what’s up?” She sounded really interested so I told her how Princess and I are spending more and more time together and gave her an update about Stella and Star and then I knew I was in trouble.
Big A. once again chastised me about a photograph of Princess and I with Star in my knee pinned against a wall in my bedroom between photographs of my daughters and drawings and notes the wrote me.
She can’t understand that I have caring feelings for “that baby” as she and her mother Stella, Princess’ eldest daughter, are not and will not ever be family. Let alone that I care for Stella too.
I think Big A. feels threatened by and jealous of Stella and Star and I knew this was going to end in a dispute so I quickly changed subjects and showed an image of my chest of drawers I had bought the day before. It turned out not to be a smart move.
“Nice,” Big A. said, “but why didn’t you show it to me when I arrived earlier at your place.”
I smiled and told her I didn’t want her to pull out one of the drawers by curious accident. Hell, they contain our toys, rope, clamps, floggers and so on.
Oh boy, I was now walking through a minefield.
“I would not have done that,” Big A. replied dryly.
Once again I smiled replying one never knows, putting my foot on a mine.
It exploded in my face.
“Because I know what you and Princess are up to, playing at,” she answered hardly able to hide her disgust.
I was flabbergasted and after a short moment where I was thinking about my next move, I asked what she meant. Had she seen the riding crops in my bedroom or had she peeked in the black boxes I also keep there?
“I don’t want to talk about it. It is after all your business.”
When life gives you lemons then make lemonade.
“Let’s go to the book store,” I said, “I know you wanted to buy a book, I would love to give it.”
Ten minutes later we excited the bookstore.
“Thank you, Dad,” she said, beaming at me, “I heard so much chatter about this book, omg, I’m so curious about it.”
Big A. is going to read 50 Shades of Grey.