Falling asleep

Yesterday we went for dinner, Little A. , Princess and me and it was a wonderful evening.
We ate mussels in the exquisite “Rooden Hoed“, a well know bistro in Antwerp.

Mussels

After our delicious meal I took the girls for some sightseeing like the pedestrians tunnel under the river Scheldt leading to Antwerp Left Bank where we finished our evening at an overcrowded Salsa event. We didn’t dance though.

Pedestrian tunnel

Back home Little A., exhausted, went right to bed and Princess enjoyed a bath while I checked my stats on WordPress.com.

We went to bed and I lay on my back, naked and I pulled Princess on me, her back on my torso, spreading her legs with my knees, one arm over her chest, just beneath her throat, pulling her down against me and letting her almost no room to move.

She quivered when I started caressing her with the tip of my fingers in an ever so gentle touch.

Sliding down over her throat, her sides where she is so sensible, down over her hip, and up again, over her inner thigh and groin and over her stomach and further, between her breasts, then the shoulder and arm, ending at her wrist.
Soon goose bumps appeared and Princess whispered, with that soft and sexy voice of hers, how intense it felt and how much she loved me.

I repeated the patting, stroking other parts of her skin with some fur.
“Oh my,” Princess sighed and gazed at me, eyes incredible deep pools of pure love.

Deliberately I did not touch her breasts or nipples but in stead nibbled softly at her earlobe, a very sensitive spot of hers I discovered only a few days ago.
I played with her clit, Princess was very wet, playing and teasing, mirroring my movements with my teeth in her earlobe.
Princess arched her back, sighed and just before she closed them I noticed her eyes cloud.
She was so ready to embrace an orgasm so I stopped moving my fingers and went back to stroking her most sensitive spots like the inner side of her wrists, thighs, groin and sides just beneath the ribs.

“Mmmm,” Princess moaned, her face showing absolute satisfaction.
Started massaging her warm and wet sweet spot again, stopping just seconds before Princess climaxed, going back to gentle stroking.

Repeated this process over and over and then Princess groaned it was sheer torture.
I smiled and continued caressing her, pushing her to and pulling her back from release I knew she was now craving for.

“Please Milord, let me come, I can’t stand it anymore. Please?” Princess begged.
I went on with my sweet torture.
“Please Milord, I’ll do everything for You, I promise I will. I beg You, let me come. Please? This torture is maddening, I can’t…”
I gave her two short slaps with a wooden spoon on her mons pubis and then circled my thumb gently over her burning sex.
Princess screamed when she finally found the release she was longing for, her body convulsing, her beautiful eyes filled with tears and whispering “I love you… I love you…” repeating it as a mantra, ejaculating on my belly.

She shifted her body so she could snuggle against me, her warm skin against mine and I held her, comforting her while her rapid breathing and increased heart beat slowly calmed down.

I guess we simply drifted away walking up the next morning still holding each other.

“Good morning, my love,” I whispered.
“Good morning to you too,” she smiled.

It was so moving looking at her lovely face and body, softly illuminated by rays of early morning light peeking through the curtains of our bedroom.
Then I cried as I still can’t grasp how happy Princess makes me, how my life has become so intense.

Another seed pod

Thoughts – July 24th, 2013

I could not fall asleep last night as it was still so hot in my apartment.
I was sweating.
Longing desperately for Princess.
So much going on in my head. Chatter, thoughts and dreams.

Got out of bed little past midnight and sat in front of the 27″ screen of my iMac for a while.
Skin itching and feeling so sticky.
Adjacent windows open but no breeze to bring some relief.
Buzzing mosquitos.
No booze in the fridge. Only water, coke and Schweppes.

Put on my headphones and opened iTunes. I needed something dramatic music to listen to and what is better on a lost and scorching night than Nick Cave’s “Push the Sky Away” with such inaccessible lyrics?

I felt hot myself but I didn’t want to spank the monkey. Hell, I made Princess promise all her orgasms would be mine and thus she is not allowed to masturbate when I am not with her. So I don’t touch myself either and keep it for her.

Lost track of time, did some catching-up reading of recent posts on blogs I follow and then decided I wanted to spend some cash.
Half an hour later I clicked on PayPal finishing my order of adjustable nipple clamps (to add to my collection), a vibrating butt plug (I am looking forward using it), Ben Wa balls and 10 meters of black silk rope.

I went to bed but was only dipped below the surface of sleep, haunted by unpleasant thoughts and feelings and when I woke up this morning I felt wrecked.

No sun, only a grey sky and the promise of a violent summer storm with far away rumbling coming near rapidly.
It is still hot though and I wish I did feel a little better but I don’t as I still am haunted by anxiety.

Dying leaf

Daughters

I have a very difficult relationship with Big A. (19).
Is it because her mother and me separated when Big A.  was 12? There is no way to know.
I really love my firstborn with all my heart and I would do anything for her. As I would for Little A. (13) with whom I have a completely different and very close bond.

Well I don’t see Big A. that much anymore. Boyfriends, school, student jobs and, let’s cut the crap, she does not like being at my place because she thinks it is not clean and tidy and books and things lying around the apartment disturb her.

The other day she wanted to spend some time with me and we went for a walk in our main shopping street.
“Has been a long time Pops,” she said.
I nodded.
“So what’s up?” She sounded really interested so I told her how Princess and I are spending more and more time together and gave her an update about Stella and Star and then I knew I was in trouble.

Big A. once again chastised me about a photograph of Princess and I with Star in my knee pinned against a wall in my bedroom between photographs of my daughters and drawings and notes the wrote me.
She can’t understand that I have caring feelings for “that baby” as she and her mother Stella, Princess’ eldest daughter, are not and will not ever be family. Let alone that I care for Stella too.
I think Big A. feels threatened by and jealous of Stella and Star and I knew this was going to end in a dispute so I quickly changed subjects and showed an image of my chest of drawers I had bought the day before. It turned out not to be a smart move.
“Nice,” Big A. said, “but why didn’t you show it to me when I arrived earlier at your place.”
I smiled and told her I didn’t want her to pull out one of the drawers by curious accident. Hell, they contain our toys, rope, clamps, floggers and so on.
Oh boy, I was now walking through a minefield.
“I would not have done that,” Big A. replied dryly.
Once again I smiled replying one never knows, putting my foot on a mine.
It exploded in my face.
“Because I know what you and Princess are up to, playing at,” she answered hardly able to hide her disgust.
I was flabbergasted and after a short moment where I was thinking about my next move, I asked what she meant. Had she seen the riding crops in my bedroom or had she peeked in the black boxes I also keep there?
“I don’t want to talk about it. It is after all your business.”
When life gives you lemons then make lemonade.

“Let’s go to the book store,” I said, “I know you wanted to buy a book, I would love to give it.”
Ten minutes later we excited the bookstore.
“Thank you, Dad,” she said, beaming at me, “I heard so much chatter about this book,  omg, I’m so curious about it.”

Go figure.
Big A. is going to read 50 Shades of Grey.

Daughters!

It is going to jump you

About yesterday, July 21st, 2013

Blimey, it is blistering.
Hot in my apartment.
Hot outside.
Hot everywhere.
33°C (some 90°F) today and there is no wind, not even the slightest of breezes.

I didn’t sleep very well last night as my bedroom felt like an oven. The windows were open but then I hear the yelling of the tipsy youngsters or the agonizing cries of the drunk on the street as if they are standing next to my bed.

I’m sweating abundantly and I feel sticky yet sensual and hot.
Little A. is to the hairdresser and at noon Princess came by for lunch.

Yesterday, July 21st, Princess and Me had an afternoon to us and I took her to the Middelheim Museum in Antwerp a 30 hectares park.
Copied from their very informative website:

The Middelheim Museum collection contains approximately 400 works of art collected up over a period of more than 50 years. Works date from around 1900 to the present, and as a collection they provide an excellent overview of international modern and contemporary art.
Every year sees new works added to the collection. Around 215 sculptures have been placed in the park, including works by major artists such as Auguste Rodin, Rik Wouters, Henry Moore, Juan Muñoz, Carl Andre, Panamarenko, Franz West, Erwin Wurm and many others. Stately trees, broad paths and inviting grassy clearings complete the vista.”

Two ladies

In Brussels King Albert 2 had already abdicated in favor of his son, now King Philippe, during this extremely warm National Holiday. I could imagine the Military defile greeting the new King while fighter planes fly over the royal palace displaying the national colors.

Princess and I had a wonderful afternoon enjoying the art on display and the cool under the trees. We talked and kissed and laughed and felt happy and ever so carefree.
On a terrace in the shadow we enjoyed a beer and talked some more, holding hands and losing ourselves in each other’s eyes.

Product of an Antwerp brewery

Time passes so quickly and soon, much to soon it was time to drive her home.

I kissed my Princess, said goodbye and whispered how much I love her, my heart, my soul, me, belonging to her forever and one day.

There is not a single day that passes without me praising Someone because Princess is in my life.

Firmament with Princess and I

Princess is without any doubt ma raison d’être.
I love you, Princess, unconditionally.

The Bowl

I really can’t remember but I must have been 5 or six and it was in the Old House.
Hell, even know I sometimes dream of this place that once was my real home and these words spring to mind:

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again . . . I came upon it suddenly; the approach masked by the unnatural growth of a vast shrub that spread in all directions . . . There was Manderley, our Manderley, secretive and silent as it had always been, the gray stone shining in the moonlight of my dream, the mullioned windows reflecting the green lawns and terrace. Time could not wreck the perfect symmetry of those walls, nor the site itself, a jewel in the hollow of a hand.

Daphne du Maurier – Rebecca

There was of course no green lawn, nor a nearby seaside or lawns or shrubs. But The House was my Manderly yet not so brooding and dangerous as in the novel. It was a happy place and when it went away it took eons before I was happy and complete once again.

So I must have been 5 or six and I was sitting in the staircase watching my mom packing stuff for a yard sale.

When she started packing the bowl in tabloid paper I halted her and asked her to keep it with us because I liked it. I have no idea why, I just asked her to spare this bowl.
She did, my dear mother and for years it moved around with us, our small family, my mother, my now estranged sister and me.
A few years ago my sis and I entered her house after a horrible day when we lost her.
Everything was tided up and there where small notes everywhere, I guess my mom knew she would not come home anymore.

There was the bowl on her cupboard and a note stating it was mine.
Hell, I had forgotten.

Since it has not had a prominent place in my apartment, I’ve hidden it in a corner in my kitchen and I am sure Princess has never noticed it. I did not know what to do with it, where to display it.

I put it on my newly acquired chest-of-drawers filled with the toys I use as a Dom and it feels so good because it seems like it has found its destination.
I know, yet I am not certain, my mom would probably disapprove. I have no idea what Princess will think, she has never seen this bowl.

Why as a kid I saved this bowl from an uncertain future I do not know, the reason is forgotten, buried under so many years.

I love this bowl, as it is a reminder of those happy childhood years who evaporated to soon.

I hope Princess likes it as she has given me what I thought I had lost forever.
Happiness, being myself, being complete and protected and loved.
Yeah, I like the loved part very much.

Do carry on, Princess.

You are everything to me, my life and my love and my wife to be.
You and I, Princess, forever and one day.

The Bowl

Thoughts – July 18th, 2013 #ASMSG

This afternoon I played mini golf with Little A. and we had tons of fun. It was hot though on this open terrain, no shadows, no wind and the sun relentlessly burning. It was at least 32°C (some 90° F) and after a few minutes I was soaking wet, sweating like a pig.

Playing mini golf

I was happy my back didn’t hurt that much anymore but bending over and picking up the golf ball wasn’t easy and now, sitting at my desk, I feel a throbbing pain in my lower back and my right hip. Nothing some Ibuprofen based drug can’t coop with.

Last Friday, at the Cohi Bar where we take our Salsa lessons, Princess pointed at a small chest-of-drawers tucked away in a corner and told me she liked it. Indeed, it was elegant and nicely sculptured without being to over the top and the owners had painted it in dark red.

I suddenly got an idea but kept it to myself.

Yesterday I visited a local second-hand store where I’ve found some candle holders in the past and I had my mind set on some more. I am a sucker for candlelight ever since I saw Barry Lyndon, the 1975 movie by Stanley Kubrick. The salon scenes only illuminated by candles were so beautiful and so soft and so damn romantic. Hell, I was 16 and eagerly waiting for Her to come. Little did I know I would have to wait another 36 years before Princess finally appeared in my life.
Trust me, it was worth waiting, oh yes it was!

I did find some candle holders I knew also would please Princess and then, in one of the corridors I saw IT.

The small chest-of-drawers was tucked away between some bigger ones and it drew my eye immediately although not old or antique.

I made a photo with my smart phone and showed it that same evening to Princess and asked if she liked it and if it would fit in her room in a far and distant future, when I would finally move in with her.
She nodded in an affirmative way.
“What are you going to do with it?” she asked.
I smiled because I knew what I wanted since she pointed out the cabinet in the Cohi Bar.

“You know, Princess, I am keeping all our toys in a few black boxes. It would be great having this to store them in a better and more accessible way. A drawer for each type of toy, you know rope, pinch stuff, paddles and floggers.”

She smiled and I knew she loved the idea.
“You have a devious mind, Milord,” she told me.
Princess knows me so well.

So after we played mini golf I took Little A. to the second-hand shop and acquired the chest-of-drawers. Little A. didn’t say much except pointing out she didn’t like it and she did not want me to buy old stuff for the living room.

Chest-of-drawers

Fatherly I patted her on the shoulder and assured her it would not be the case and added it was for Princess’ and my bedroom.
“Okay,” she pouted and that was it.
Little A. did well on her exams and ever since a new add-on to the Sims 3 came out, it is called Exotic Island, she hasn’t stopped reminding me it is available on the market.

So after I got the cabinet I took her to a toy-store and even when I halted in front of the computer games Little A. was not aware of my intentions.

“Fuck,” I told her, “I need something to unwind, nerves you know, I need some intense computer game.”

Little A. looked at me in disbelief. She has never seen me play a single game on a computer. It is something I don’t do, I don’t like and I hate. It is a useless way to spend your time.

In a provocative way I pointed at some war games and asked my daughter if she thought they where violent and bloody enough to entertain me.
The poor thing shrugged her shoulders telling me she had no idea.

“Holy guacamole,” I suddenly yelled, “fuck, I want THIS game!” pointing at a certain The Sims extension pack.
“Do you think this is any good for your old man?” I asked.
Little A. beamed at me, didn’t know what to say, hugged me and thanked me a zillion times.

It feels so good, so wonderful making her happy, as it is so incredible doing the same to Princess.

Back home I managed moving the cabinet from my car’s trunk to the second floor where I live using the staircase because there is no lift.
Put it in my/our room and decorated it with two candles and a bowl.
Yes, an antique porcelain and stamped bowl.
One that has a story attached to it.

Thoughts – July 17th, 2013 #ASMSG

After two days I finally can sit on my chair in front of my desk where my 27″ iMac is waiting, its keyboard hunkering for my soft touches.

I’ve been lying down most of the time as walking or sitting hurts so much. I’ve had this problem since childhood and ambling is one of the triggers and it ends up with some excruciating pain in my lower back. A sense of pressure than rapidly becomes unbearable, radiating around my hips and pulsing down to my knees.

“Wear”, the doctor told me dryly a few months ago when for the first time in years I wasn’t able to go to work. He had been closely examining the MRI’s I had made a week before.

He scribbled something on a prescription and handed it over to me.
“It’s based on Aceclofenac a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug. Take it only when you really need it. When it just hurts take some paracetamol-based product. It will help,” he explained still looking bored and utterly uninterested as he always does. Maybe a hint of Ebola would have excited him more.
I left his office and went straight to the pharmacy and back outside I took a pill swallowing it with saliva.
Boy was I glad I got home 10′ later as the man with the hammer was hitting me as a madman. Heavy stuff this Aceclofenac as I was out for most part of the day.

It has been several months since the last time this hurt as hell but the pain is always there, sometimes barely noticeable, only a far away and almost unnoticeable thunder stroke near an invisible horizon.

I have no idea what triggered it this time but at noon I was not able to walk at all.

I took half a pill but that didn’t help so I took the other half as I had a rendezvous with Princess at 13:20. I was scheduled picking her up at work and driving her to a nearby clinic for a routine pre-emptive cancer check-up and I would rather have died than phone her and tell her I could not make it even if she would have understood.
Some things a man HAS to do for his girl.

Princess came over last evening, we talked and went to bed and made delicious rough love before falling asleep. No playing and no spanking. Little A. sleeping in the other room, next to ours, is an intimidating fact.

Before we fell asleep she smiled at me, her eyes so beautiful, glowing with intense love, she whispered she missed us playing.

Yes, I did too. But biting her lower lip, scratching her behind violently, pinching her nipples hard and fiercely pulling her hair is a good substitute for the whipping, the bondage, wax dripping and all that other stuff I do to her body so Princess looses it, warped away to another planet so I can sooth her.

Pain and lust, such an intense combination and I would so love Princess give me some agony too. Princess knows what I love, knows what makes me go mad.
I want her nails to scratch my skin in long and deep hauls while I pleasure myself.

I want to go to work and enjoy the irritation of T-shirt or shirt on my bruised skin for days.

I remember Princess doing that to me in a very intense way but it seems so long ago.

I wonder.
Is a submissive allowed to inflict pain on her Dominant if He asked?

Or am I not a Dominant but a switch?

Hell, I can see myself in front of some full-of-myself smiling shrink.
Hey doc, what am I?
Know that I enjoy giving pain but receiving it, when I wish or demand it, makes me feel good too.
What do you think?
Doc?
Are you still there?

Rest assured.
I am a Dominant. I know I am.
I have always been.

But to be honest, I am a Dominant with a kink.
I love pain too and it is a great feeling when Princess administers it to me.

Red 'n Green