Father – thoughts, June 25th, 2013

I don’t watch television that much and the only reason why I still have one is because of Little A. Disney Channel, Nickelodeon and the works.

A few years ago though I followed a few series like “Castle”, “Lie to me”, “The Mentalist” but my absolute favorite was “NCIS”. I loved the stories and the interaction and dialogues between the main characters were fun to watch and in some way I could even relate to some of them.

Yesterday morning I was keeping Litte A. company and we were sitting in the sofa watching the bloody television.
Then she had to leave as she had an appointment with a girlfriend and left me sitting in front of the telly alone. I took the remote control to switch of this hideous thing off when I noticed an episode of NCIS was due next.

‘Ah, why not?’ I thought and I could afford spending the 50 minutes or so.
I sat back and enjoyed this episode where one of the main characters is confronted with his estranged father, a role played with verve by Robert Wagner. 

Of course they find each other at the end and, when their ways separate again, they say goodbye and after a brief hesitation the father says to his son “I love you.
It hit me like a sledgehammer and suddenly my eyes filled with tears and I cried and for the bigger part of the day I felt rather gloomy. 

My father passed away in 1972 at the beginning of June, just before my school exams. Hell, I was thirteen.

And now, even 41 years later, it touches me when I am reminded of my loss (and that of my mom of course, and my sister) and apparently I am still very emotional about it. This does not mean I go weeping around every time I hear the word father but there are moments I am much more vulnerable.
Some of Princess’ kids still have an issue with our relation although things are slowly changing for the better. I now am allowed to enter the house to pick up Princess but staying for dinner or even drinks is still impossible. 
I still have to see her daughters leaving the room when I enter. Or refusing to say “hello”.

The Boy, 16, has the most issues with me. The few times we met unfortunately ended in verbal attacks. He has a very hard time cooping in a rational way with our relation, letting his emotions taking over every time.
Sometimes I find it hard not to interpret their rejection as a personal disallowance and I forget they lost their father not even 3 years ago.

The emotional moments I experienced yesterday helps me understand that grieve is something that fades away over time but remains very near to the surface of ones memories. I know I have to give Princess’s kids time to adjust.
But sometimes I tend to forget this and I lose myself in lack of understanding and then Princess takes the heat.
Sometimes I am a goddamned idiot.


One thought on “Father – thoughts, June 25th, 2013”

  1. it is not being an idiot. it is being lost in love. we can not always see things from the other side because we are so deeply in love with someone. Princesses kids will one day be able to see the world from your side. They will see the love that you have given their mom and the happiness you put back into her life during dark times. Just hang on tight to her love and know that in the end, the sun always shines.

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