Easter

Happy Easter!

It is freezing cold outside and temperatures won’t exceed 5° (41 F). In an hour or so I’ll be leaving on weekend with Little A.
Destination is Durbuy, a small Walloon city, Belgium’s smallest city in fact, in the province of Luxembourg were I reserved in a Bread & Breakfast. We will be back tomorrow in the late afternoon and I am sure we will enjoy ourselves. It is the first time my youngest daughter spends Easter with me since the 6 years I now live alone.

She is of course also looking forward to these special moments with me.

I hope the vague feeling of uneasiness that is spinning in my head since a day or two will dissolve quickly.
It feels like something bad is lurking around the corner, an unpleasant surprise, something that will destabilize me very much.

What happens will happen, there is nothing much I can do about it I guess.

Durbuy - Castle
Durbuy – Castle

Father

I’m listening to “Half Moon Bay” (1973) by Bill Evans, an American jazz pianist. For the first time I think yet it sounds so familiar.

When I was a kid my father took me on numerous occasions to an attic where they held jazz concerts until it was closed down when laws regarding fire safety changed and became very strict.

So it is possible I attended Bill Evan’s concert somewhere in the late sixties but I’m not sure at all.

I loved it when my father took me to this club and I felt the jazz rhythm, enjoyed the music and felt proud being at his side, being with him. My father.He died when I was 13.

And here I freeze. Even after 41 years without him it is still hard for me to talk or write about my father without becoming emotional.

I know, time polishes memories, covers it with a golden patina, making things better that they may have been at that specific moment.

Being a gentleman, all these little attentions I give Princess, like he did with my Mum, my open mind and sense for art, mainly literature and photography are some of the gifts he gave me during his brief fatherhood.

I like to believe it was mainly my father who made who I am today.
On numerous occasions I would have loved to hear his approval.
It would be great to know if he is proud of whom I am today.

Last Sunday Princesses father took me aside and thanked me for taking such good care of his daughter, making her happy, standing next to her, as her life hasn’t been easy.
I am sure my Dad would agree and I’m sure he would embrace Princess as his son’s Partner.

Princess.

IR Horses

Thoughts – March 28, 2013

I am tired and exhausted and when I swallow my throat hurts like hell. The cough syrup tastes like crap and the pastilles don’t help much except they soften the irritation.

Yesterday evening Princess and I visited Stella and Star and I still find it astonishing to see how rapidly Star is evolving. She is now three months old and already so aware of her surroundings.
Star held my index fingers firmly while I made some noises and sang to her and it was so cute to hear her laugh.
Amazing she is, this baby girl.

On the way home Princess told me Bee, one of her daughters, was going to email a paper later on she wanted her mom to correct.
“It will take only half an hour,” Princess soothed me.
“Okay,” I said.
We came home and while Princess opened her email and downloaded the file I fixed us some drinks.
“Holy cow,” I heard Princess whisper.
“What is the matter?” I asked.
“Sixteen fucking pages,” she told me. “Sixteen!!!”
“Lets get started then. It won’t take long.”
Boy was I wrong.
When I emailed the corrected text to Bee it was almost 2 in the morning and we had to get up at 6.
We slept well that night, well, what was left of it, and it was our first night together without any form of sex.
Apparently there is a first time for everything.
Did I miss it?
Yeah.
Kind of.

But the intimacy of just sleeping in each other’s arms is so delicious, so intense.
So honestly, I don’t mind as long as I am with Princess.
That is the only thing that really matters.
Princess.
She is the One.
Princess is my life and my future.
My Muse.

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